Ted

I have not written anything in a long time. I told myself I would be better about writing, but it’s been difficult. As we all know, the world has drastically changed since my last post in January. Covid. George Floyd. Presidential election. Online college. A hundred other things I am forgetting.

Part of the reason I haven’t written anything is because my posts are generally about classes, my computer science journey, my opinions on life and values, and random questions I answer. In short, they are really all about me. And how can I write about myself when there are clearly more important issues to be addressed? So then, do I talk about these bigger issues? I decided not to because I don’t know about these issues more than the average person. I don’t want people to be misinterpreting my words, or if I spread misinformation because I don’t know all the facts. Also, why would you be going to my website to read about these things? I am not a reliable news source. There is no “fact check” on my posts.

So what am I an expert on? I would say that I am only an expert in my experience. Which is what I write about. (Wow, how deep Teddy.) And recently, I’ve heard from Daniel Sloss that when your friend has someone close to them pass away, you should be your normal self around them. You need to be the same person, so that they can process the difference in their life. So that they can process the pain. They need to know that the person they grew up with is there for them, not this new fake person walking on eggshells. Of course, we should be empathetic and caring as well, but should that not already be in your current personality? So anyways, that is part of the reason I am writing again. Because sometimes people need to know that not everything has changed in the world. The sun still rises and sets. Tesla stock only goes up. And I write in my blog. And moreover, besides for my 3 readers, it’s for my sanity. So that I too have a rock in this drastically changing world.

Another part of why I haven’t written anything is because my life has changed quite a bit. Even before Covid, I was struggling with motivation issues among other things. I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed. And Covid did not make that better. There have been quite a few changes in my relationships with people. I don’t talk to some people now that probably knew me better than anyone. People who I couldn’t have imagined not having in my life. Some of this is because of my choice, some by their choice. I’ve also gone from being a senior at college to working full time starting at the lowest level at my company. Things are different.

And I guess by my previous reasoning, this is all the more reason that I should have kept writing: to have something that’s the same throughout all of the changes. But I didn’t. I kept being too busy and preoccupied to write. The times I wasn’t too busy, I was too tired to write.

And I guess that’s how we get to my first point: You will never have time unless you make time for it.

I didn’t make time to write in my blog. I have quite a few ideas written down, but I never put in the time to flesh them out. So it never happened. After the Olympic trials, I stopped exercising. I know how important exercise is. But I never made time for exercise. So I never exercised. I told myself it was important to maintain my friendships since humans are social creatures, and it’s even more important during covid since it’s so easy to stop talking to people and just lay in bed looking at Youtube videos. But I never made the time for it.

I can list a bunch of other things I didn’t make time for. But you get the point. But recently (which means sometime from 3 months ago to maybe 5 minutes ago), I’ve been making the time to exercise. I’ve been making the time to talk to friends, whether that is playing computer games with them or just asking them about their life or updating them on my life. I’ve been making time to walk with my parents every morning to have some family bonding time and get some sunlight. I’ve been making time to sleep.

My coach (who was a world champion) used to tell me that I had to come early to tournaments to warm up, I had to stretch before every match, I can’t forget my towel and should use it every 6 points, and these other 5 billion little things I had to do. And he told me that doing all of these little things that most other players neglect makes you more prepared to win than others. Similarly, these little things like exercise and a regular sleep schedule and having friends all matter in the battle of having good mental health.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve overcome is this exercising thing. Exercising for me when I was playing pingpong was easy, because it’s necessary in sports to be in top physical condition. Now that I’ve stopped playing pingpong competitively, it seemed kind of lame to me to exercise to keep in shape, maintain my mental health, and regulate my sleep schedule. But I guess in some ways, it is even more important now.

Furthermore, I had the same mentality for exercise that I had when I was playing competitively: I had to push myself to the limit, to be the best. But this is really hard, when there is nothing to compete for now. So I didn’t really have any motivation to run, because I would just disappoint myself in how much I could run, and I’d rather be disappointed in myself not running since that’s so much easier. One day, I told myself that it was okay to take breaks, and not push myself to the limit when I exercise, and the goal was just to get outside. And this shift in mentality is what made me more consistent at exercising. It relieved the stress that I couldn’t perform to my expectation.

So I guess that’s how we get to my second point: It’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to not exhaust yourself to death. You don’t need that extra pressure and expectation on yourself.

Maybe I would’ve been better at pingpong if I didn’t feel like I had to push myself to the limit every time. Maybe it would have been more fun for me and I wouldn’t burn out. Or maybe I would have been trash since I wouldn’t have put in the effort. Just to clarify, to be the best, you do have to push yourself past your limits. But it doesn’t happen in one day. It’s small gradual steps, and you should enjoy the process and have fun while doing it. And it is not fun if you have expectations to run 5 miles when you can’t even run 1. It’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to walk.

Happiness takes effort.

I think that’s one of the strangest things that I’ve realized recently. At least, it applies to me. Some people don’t have to put in effort to be happy. Just like people’s mental strength sports. When Liu Guoliang (Grand Slam champion and head coach of the Chinese National Team now) was asked if he did any mental training for table tennis, he said (paraphrased), “We don’t do mental training. We just trust ourselves.” And I think the same is for happiness. For some people it comes more naturally than others. But like I said, I can only speak from my experience.

I don’t like the idea that happiness takes effort. It seems like it should be natural. Like...why is my natural state of being not happy? It seems to me like evolution messed up.

Why are good habits so easy to break, but bad habits so hard to break?

I always thought that some day I would just eventually realize I was happy. But if I don’t put in the time and the effort, I won’t be. I need to have a regular sleep schedule, exercise, go outside, limit social media use, talk to my friends, and all these other things so I have a fighting chance. So I guess that’s the third point. Happiness takes effort.

I don’t mind friends who don’t message me these days. I understand how hard it is to maintain friendships when everything is online. We are all going through our own personal struggles and dealing with our demons. That’s fine. What I do mind are people who always expect me to reach out first and complain that we don’t talk anymore when they never put in the effort to be the person to reach out first. If I wanted to talk to NPCs, I’d go play Dark Souls 2 or something.

But other times, people just surprise me and make me feel so grateful. Recently, two of my former students told me how much of an impact I had on their learning for the class. There were also some Overheard at Berkeley posts about me that were very touching to read. I’ve had pingpong friends tell me how much I’ve not only been their inspiration in pingpong, but also how I’ve inspired them in life. I have handwritten letters from people who tell me they are so grateful they’ve met me, and that I am one of their role models. I guess this may sound like humble bragging. I don’t care how it sounds, because sometimes you have to share the small victories in your life.

And my first reaction is always confusion. Who? Me? Are you sure you didn’t write this to the wrong person? I’m just a kid trying to figure out how to live. I don’t know anything. If you want a real role model, you should find my mom. She knows everything.

And I also do my best to thank the people who have been my role models, who have been my inspiration, who have helped me through my journey. Mentors who’ve guided me through computer science when I didn’t even know if I wanted to do computer science, mentors at Freenome who took a risk on a goofball who puts memes in his technical presentations, my amazing CS170 TA who is the only reason I was also able to be inspire other kids in CS170, table tennis world champions who decided to coach me when no one even knew who I was in the table tennis community.

But I also can’t forget about the true champions: our friends and family that we interact with on a daily basis. People who check up on you to make sure you’re okay often, make conversations about random things, and enjoy each other’s presence. I asked one of my friends recently who are her role models, and she said that the perfect role model is probably Leslie Knope.

So I guess my final point is a quote by Leslie Knope: “It’s a lesson I have learned over and over again, but it bears repeating: no one achieves anything alone.”